Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
