I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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