i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
