He kissed a someone with a penis
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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