i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
