in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
