I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
