i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
