woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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