so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
