im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
