Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
