I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
