Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
