Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
