I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
