just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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