Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
