Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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