dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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