I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
