Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
