Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
