I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
