Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
