using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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