I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We have started to decorate penises.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
