I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
