Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
