I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
