I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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