I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
