I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
