I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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