This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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