Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
