so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
