How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
