When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
