Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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