i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So. Much. Porn.
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