barbara walters just said penis...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
