Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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