I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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