My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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