So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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