we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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