I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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