I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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