Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
tell me about the eggs
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
And then he peed in my hair
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