dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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