I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
