I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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