so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
